How I Learned Who I Really am

It’s easy to tell yourself who you THINK you are, but are you really being honest with yourself?

This past year has been a WHIRLWIND of emotion I have never experienced before. I had plenty of your traditional breakdown moments, and many moments where I truly just questioned where I was going. But also made some huge strides this year! Learned to push myself far out of my comfort zone, as well as realize just how mentally strong I can be. Though I think my most important accomplishment for myself was really acknowledging the person I am, not the person I felt I was.

Acknowledging your true self is a hard one. I mean let’s be honest, we all tell ourselves “I am a great friend or partner!”. Or, “That wasn’t my fault”, “I’m doing everything I can”. Or even, “I care SO much about <insert one of the many charitable organizations, or tragedies around us>. But the reality of these types of statements is that we are just not willing to admit our flaws to ourselves. And why would you want to! It’s natural that we all want to see ourselves in the best light. After all, there’s no one better in our own eyes. However, let me challenge you to really take a look at yourself, and admit things that maybe you wouldn’t like to. I’m going to share with you the top 3 things I realized about myself this year, and what I’ve done to help me figure them out.

Number 1 – I am a “Meets Expectation” Kind of Person

First let me give you a little background on this phrase. Twice a year my company requires self appraisals with three different choices. Doesn’t Meet Expectations, Meets Expectations, and Exceeds Expectations. I will admit, in the past I had checked myself as “exceeds” in quite a few of my objectives, only to have my manager counter with a “meets”.

However, this year I knew exactly what to select, and I knew exactly what my manager would mark me with. Meets expectations. This is my reality for work and most things in life, and this is the year I finally own it! I will do enough to make the house look clean, or enough to make that slide show presentation makes sense but not aesthetically pleasing. I will work until 5pm, and no longer. But if you ask me to take a long break, or a walk around the building, I will also do that! I will do what needs to get done, and no more.

I used to think I did so much, but others were just missing it. Only now am I willing to admit that’s just not true, and that’s okay. The silver lining here is that I realized I have room for improvement, and the option to do more…if I want. 😉

Number 2 – Jealous Under the Guise of Judgment

This one is a perfect example of one you don’t want to admit to yourself! But it’s true, and it’s a big one for me.

This last year I was finding that I had so many negative thoughts and judgments of people around me. I would scoff internally at coworkers conversations, or text my best friend to talk shit about all the “dumb” things people are doing. However when I started realize that this was so constant it couldn’t possibly be good for me, I started to look at myself.

As soon as I was TRULY honest with myself I realized that this was constant jealousy of what everyone else was doing. That my judgement about “Sally” from the office booking a boujee ballroom for her wedding that I would never book for my own wedding, was my jealousy for the fact she had a wedding to plan. Or when I thought “wow there’s no way so and so can afford that house on their own, their parents MUST be helping”. Yup, that was jealousy surrounding their ability to afford an expensive house. I could go on for days with every judgmental thought I’ve had, but that’s not why we are here!

All I’m saying is, I loved the constant dragging of people down in my head because I felt it made me a no bullshit kind of person. The reality is, this was a classic case of bringing others down to make myself feel better. The good news with this one is that once I realized what I was doing, I have been able to talk myself out of it and look at the positives for me instead!

Number 3 – I am Resilient

I wanted to add a good realization in here, because I’m not ALL bad!

As I mentioned earlier, it’s been a year of crazy emotion for me. Plenty of this has come from learning how to deal with stepmom stressors. However the bulk of it has come from just about everything around me, including me! It wasn’t until recently, looking back on this last year that I realized how much I wouldn’t let anything break me. In fact I did the opposite.

When things got hard, and my emotions were high I learned exactly what I needed to improve the situation. I stopped pushing my needs down and started saying what I needed to say, even if it could cause an argument. I stopped letting every little negative thought ruin my day by realizing where it was coming from, and challenging it with self improvement. And I am learning (because this one is still hard!) how to let go of the things I can’t change, like the actions of others.

I am a work in progress, but I am proud to say that realizing some of these negative traits I have has made me a better person. I have taken many steps to approve upon what I discussed here today, as well as other traits; and I plan to work even harder on myself in the coming year.

I Asked Myself Why

When was the last time you asked yourself why you were thinking something? I don’t think I ever have. Until recently.

Maybe this seems like common sense to you, but I can tell you it wasn’t to me. And based on conversations with people around me, I don’t think its common sense for the masses either. I was finding myself in a mental struggle so often, that I eventually just thought “why am I like this?; why am I feeling this way?; is this really what I feel?“. I challenged myself to dig deeper into so many of my constant thoughts and motives. This is exactly how I was able to find out parts of myself that I had never considered before, and I challenge you to do the same!

So, are you ready to test out the question “why”? I hope so! And I hope it’s as enlightening to you, as it has been to me.

Until next time,

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