“Putting your happiness on another person is a huge burden for them to carry.”
The quote above was something my therapist had said to me once. It took me some time to be able to accept it, but it’s made me stronger and more aware.
See years ago when Scott and I had first started dating, I fell hard. I had never fallen for someone the way I did him, so I didn’t exactly know how to handle my emotions. My biggest struggle was this need to always be around him. And if I wasn’t around him, then I wanted to be able to reach him at any given moment.
Scott didn’t require the same things I did, and sometimes he would make me irrationally upset and not even know it. When he would plan time with his family (before I met them) I wouldn’t hear from him all day. He would barely respond to my texts, or give me any idea if I would see him later. If he did happen to have plans with friends, (which honestly to this day doesn’t happen much, they all have kids etc.) I would feel jealous. All of these feelings I had were irrational, and irritating, but I couldn’t control myself.
At this time in my life I was regularly seeing a therapist and decided to bring this up. That’s when she explained to me how much pressure it is to put so much of your happiness on someone else. I never looked at my feelings the same after that.
With Valentines Day this week I wanted to share this important lesson I learned for all those who struggle with this day. Personally I feel it’s a silly “holiday”, and have never really celebrated regardless of if I was in a relationship or not. But that is not the case for everyone, and I know it can be a rough day for some. I also realize this is coming from someone in a relationship and that diminishes the message a bit. BUT we all need to learn to be content alone, regardless of relationship status. We need to find our happiness through ourselves and not rely on others! Be enough for yourself, everything else can wait.
The reality of someone who feels so strongly that a boyfriend or girlfriend is “really going to change their life”, is that they are actually missing something else. Finding the one is not going to fix the problem long term, and here is why.
When you are looking for your happiness and purpose through someone else, your expectations of them are very high. With your expectations being so high, the inevitable is going to happen. That person WILL let you down. And when they do, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to consume you and upset you for longer than you deserve.
However if you are someone who feels content to be alone, has activities and friends just for yourself, you aren’t going to expect everything to come from your significant other. You will have things outside of your relationship that bring you joy. You also won’t find yourself getting upset when your partner wants to do something for themself or with their friends and family. You will be much more encouraging of them having their own life outside of your relationship. This is majorly important, both for yourself, and to sustain any long term relationship!
On the flip side, if you are enough for yourself, and able to find happiness being single, you are already a step ahead! You won’t be looking for someone to fill a “void”, and you definitely won’t be willing to settle for anyone less than you deserve!
The reality of searching so hard for someone to be your happiness is that you are losing yourself in the process. You aren’t focusing on bettering yourself, but focusing on finding someone to make your life “better”. You aren’t going to attract the right people, because you aren’t giving off a confident, content vibe. And you may even find that you are willing to put up with more than you should, just for the sake of having a relationship.
Don’t look for someone to come in and change your life for the better, because they won’t. You want someone to join you and only add more value to your already full life.
So for Valentines Day this year, whether you are in a relationship or not, think of something you can start doing for you that brings joy! It will be a life changer once you can feel like you are enough for yourself. I promise 🙂
Until next time,